I'm Sorry.

Possessing the knowledge that i am the source of your pain is like holding a knife hilt with the blade in you, and with another edge in me.

       I hate myself now ya know dear? It isn't your fault. Perhaps i thought tonight was, but maybe, truly, its mine. To think i was foolish enough to have even hung up on you. I shouldn't have been so particular, just because your attention diverted multiple times from an important topic. I was stupid, i was dumb, i was being a complete pain in the ass.
      
       Yea i know, its been so many god damn times that i've been scolding myself. Badly. But you can't blame me for this at least, since i deserve it. Perhaps all i can do tonight is to sleep early as i promised you. Perhaps its all i can do to elevate your worries.
      
       You're probably thinking you're a bitch for making me feel this way. But dear you're wrong alright? Initially it was maybe, but no its no longer yours. I just feel that i have been hurting the both of us for too many times. And i hate myself badly for it. I cannot tell you how much i feel like letting you go to end your suffering. But every time i want to you tell me to think through. And i remember how i made you smile so wide before, how i made you rejoice. I remember when i confessed to you, you were so happy. You smiled like i've never seen you smiled before. Never. Not with anyone else, not at any other time. And how could i possible bring myself to take all that away? I can't, i just can't. It would be heartless.
    
       Dear i'm sorry, i know i haven't been the best. Despite how much you claim it, i know i haven't been able to do everything right. I know it isn't possible, but perhaps i have been doing a lot of wrong stuff. I'm sorry, i want to go you know? I want to leave you permanently. I want to end myself. Again. I'm not worth it and i'm sorry. I still love you but i can't even bring myself to do it properly. It hurts, and i'm crying such painful tears even as i post this. The torment i feel is horrendous and its wrenching right at my heart.

       I'm sorry, but maybe i wasn't meant to be. I love you, no matter what happens, to me or to you. If ever i have to go, don't be sad, because like i said. Perhaps i wasn't meant to be.

        I love you, the best i'll ever have....(: