I have to think.

Is it time, or is it the issue about whether or not you understand? Will time change everything, or will i have to make a decision. Whether to do This, or to do That. I guess no compromise can be reached, and i have been thinking why.

I talked to my Brother and Novia. And tonight i seriously received plenty of things to ponder on. Perhaps not to care was not the right decision to make.  I felt that some stuff you were doing were simply disgusting, and some of which even made me boil up so mad i wrenched at my own flesh and tore at my own inner self by cursing myself to the point of which i no longer felt the need to exist. It was horrible, and it was all because i let go too much. But perhaps even if i had a grip, it would be too much. So the part now comes with you. There are just so many questions i have to ask, so many things i have to tell you. So please, listen up.

I have to be honest with you, i hate it when you are this close to so many other boys. You claim that you are not, but i think i have explained enough to tell you that you are. That it is true, you are just not sparing a thought for me upon this topic. And its killing me, the anguish i'm feeling is indescribable. I don't want to feel that way, but i don't want to break up with you either. But you have to understand, you have to know.

Do you know for all the times you told me you would change and you didn't, i felt like a knife was thrust through my heart. It hurt so bad, and for that night after the concert i can still remember, i was so angry, i was so embarrassed then others stared, i felt so screwed up. And whenever i see you taking photos with other boys so close or even taking with them alone ( regardless of how close ), i want to just smash my com screen. It really hurts, and i cannot describe it, its beyond words. This, is merely a partial fraction of how screwed up i was.

I want you to know, that i'm asking you to change for my sake. Not because i asked you to. You have to get it, if not you will never want to change willingly. You love me do you? If you do, you will change for me i'm sure. I know, perhaps you need time. But if you don't get it, even forever won't help. I cannot hope to change you over night, not even in the span of months. But a year or so perhaps, and i think i must wait. Whether or not i will be happy during this period of time, perhaps i have to understand. I have to play my part, for our sake.

But its not only me, its you as well. If you don't try to do so, nothing will work out. I hope that you can understand, and do so. I don't want to quarrel with you so much, it fucking sucks. I don't want to have to sleep at night knowing how hurt you are, and being hurt myself.

But no matter how much you were liberal last time, you have to understand that we are in a relationship, a LOVE relationship, This isn't a game !! Okay?? You HAVE to know, what i mean when i tell you something, i cannot drive to you any stronger than this point. You just HAVE to understand the purpose and reason of which you're changing for, please. Today and few other times i have said to kill myself, i didn't. Don't let me do it without thinking twice.

I know you're having truncated now even as you read this, but just read it and understand it. Its all i'm asking for. Its all i'm asking for, if you love me, it won't be hard and you wouldn't prefer it any other way. And i will help you, i will remind you along the way. Just trust me, let me hold your hand and lead you, I love you.

Bye.