I don't understand, and I'm confused.

          Where to start. It happened during choir today, everything did. Syf auditions was conducted today and upon hearing the results, i must say i'm extremely proud of my section because overall, they performed well. I believe those that didn't pass only didn't make it because they were not brave enough, if not they sounded nice and knew their parts well.

           But it was a totally different case for the rest. The sops, basses, altos, everything crashed. 7/30+ sops, 9/30+ altos, 9/19 basses passed. What was the tenor pass rate? 13/17 people passed. Do the math, thats a total of 38 which isn't even hitting 50. Why the terrible performance from the rest? I've been blaming the sections themselves for it, but what about the SLs? I know i was fucking direct today, but look, the whole load of you, your fucking skulls are too bloody THICK. You think standing up there and being your 'Pretty-Miss-Nice-And-Understanding' will help the choir? NO. Its proven that it DOESN'T work. So WAKE UP from your reverie. Stop coming to me telling my you're stressed out and everything, I don't see how is that an excuse. I have what you have to do and MORE. A lot more. Solo Concerts, solo exams, outside choirs. And i'm the SL AND SC. Do i come to you and complain?? NO. The moment i refuse to teach, the whole shit load of you come and ask me, "How to do this?? How to do that??". How ridiculous and outrageous is that?!?! I don't know. If nice talk won't work, scoldings won't work, i can only resort to biting and direct remarks. I don't mind if the whole load of you hate me, by the end, the GWH award is yours to keep. Not mine. Thats what i want for you all. If this is how i must do it, i shall.

Bye. 

The void left behind by a wordless leaving.

Hello, earthlings.

                  This blog is prone to random hiatus-s so feel free to feel stupid or weird about it since my erratic posts tend to put people off. So anyways, i'm here on a depressing tone. As usual? HA.HA. But really, its not really a bad thing but not so much as a good thing either. So, here we go...

                    I went for voice class today. As much as i wanted this to not happened, i flunked both my concert songs in front of all the superb singers in the evening concert. I didn't know what to feel. I tried so hard to mask my regret and embarrassment behind the thin disguise i put up, but to no avail. The look in my eyes revealed everything. I regret over-singing, i regret shouting, i regret everything. And that was all i needed. After a long period of thinking, i've come to the decision of stepping down as a SC.

                    Its sudden and very selfish of me, but i have no choice. My voice is too important to me, and every single time i lose it i feel like a part of me is stripped. A part of my personality, half of my soul. I forced myself to have faith in the choir, in the music committee hoping they could stand on their own two feet when things came down to this. But would i be surprised at their reactions? No. They would probably blame me for being selfish and irresponsible. But who am i to argue? The decision was selfish, irresponsible and pathetic. But whatever it is, i've made up my mind and no one can turn around my choice. I've been slogging enough for the choir, and its time they did things on their own. No more Samuel the SC, no more Samuel the SL, no more Samuel the know-more-than-us-to-rely-on guy. I'm putting this aside.

                      Sigh, i'm still confused, not knowing if this is right or wrong. But i won't change my mind. Perhaps time is all it takes to determine so. And pray then, its the first. Goodbye folks, and a pleasant night.

May the winds of fate cut the shadows of deception, and open the true path to me.